This post is evidence that I am still out here grindin' away at my goals. I know that the internet silence has lasted for a little (okay long) while, but I am back with some tales to share and shit's about to get real.
At this point we are getting to the final countdown..and its getting rough. I have been struggling......mentally, physically, emotionally, you name it. I have never felt so many conflicting emotions about one thing before, so it has been difficult to stay on track, but I am still chuggin along. Cause I've got grit dammit. I swing between feelings of intense belief in myself and the desire to just quit.(Even though this damn swim has been on my mind for approx 6 years). Sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong and that "this isn't meant to be" and other times I can't imagine doing anything else. My shoulder hasn't been doing so hot this year, and recently a clumsy trip over my own feet made matters a lot worse. So between dealing with Kaiser and trying to maintain my acclimation while not swimming, I also have been holding onto my faith in myself and this goal by a tiny little thread. It's still there...but its delicate.
If you felt exhausted while reading this, then you kind of get what it is like to be in my own head. People ask me how I can swim for so long without getting bored, what I think about etc. The truth is I have a pretty strong internal dialog, which you may hear come out when I am really sassy (filtering myself can be difficult haha), that is present pretty much all the time. So it doesn't feel different to go from being on land to swimming all by myself, because my internal dialog is always going. I consider this dialog is a big strength of mine, but as with all superpowers, it can also be used for evil. When my mindset is positive and everything is jiving well I feel great and have fun...but as you can imagine if my mind is going the other way it can be hard to turn it around.
I did a lot of work in college to practice having a positive mindset while swimming and my coaches really taught me a lot, but if I've learned anything this year...its something that I have to constantly work on, like flossing (which I always promise that I will do better). Being positive is a practice that is surprisingly difficult to keep up when you are already feeling like you are struggling. And it doesnt matter where these struggles come from. A lot of things happen in life unexpectedly, and this year was no exception, from conflicts with roommates, and trouble at work to problems with coaches. I felt like I was drowning and I still do sometimes.
But I have been doing my best, and that is something that I have to hold onto. Maybe I could have done things differently at certain points, but that time has already past. I tend to be incredibly hard on myself for all sorts of things (like not blogging regularly, not swimming long enough, not being focused enough...you name it) and wish that I wasn't, but I think sometimes that voice that is hard on me, is the same voice that keeps me going. So I have been working on making my inner coach a little bit of a nicer person. This has required me to accept help and support, which is hard sometimes but also so necessary. I have been going to a counselor every week and working on my shit. It's really hard work. (Probably just as hard as swimming). And I have been leaning on friends and family, who are all incredible people that listen to me freak out and redirect my anxieties. Living with depression and anxiety is really hard, but it is a small part of who I am and will always be. This year I have been trying to live as true to myself as possible, which means not hiding my struggles in the deep abyss of my mind and instead sharing it with people who can help me work through it.
So even though I am freaking out a little (okay a lot) about my shoulder and how many miles I did or didn't swim this week and how little I have blogged etc, I have to remember that I am doing hard work to get myself across that channel. Training for long term events never really goes as planned (last time around I shattered my wrist a few months before), but I have got to keep adapting. At the end of the day, even though I have felt like my training has been a shitshow, as long as I have good weather I am definitely getting across, because I am way too stubborn not to finish. So y'all better get your weather vodoo on.
xo Deelz
Also if you are interested in where the title comes from listen to this song.
